GOLDEN PHONE, LOCAL CALL
A man in Topeka, Kansas decided to write a book about churches around the country. He began by flying to San Francisco and working his way east from there. Going to a rather large church, he began taking photographs and making notes.
He noticed a golden telephone on the vestibule wall and was intrigued by a sign which read “$10,000 per minute.” Seeking out the pastor, he asked about the phone and the sign. The pastor answered that, “This golden phone was, in fact, a direct line to Heaven, and if you pay the price you can talk directly to God.” The man thanked the pastor and continued on his way.
When he visited churches in Seattle, Salt Lake City, Denver, Chicago, St. Louis, and places around the USA, he found more phones with the same sign and the same answer from each pastor.
Finally, he arrived in Tennessee. Upon entering a church, behold! He saw the usual golden phone on the wall. But THIS time, the sign read, “Calls: 25 cents.”
Fascinated, he spoke with the pastor. “Pastor, I have been in cities all across the country. In each church I found a golden phone and have been told it is a direct line to Heaven and this I could talk to God, but in the other churches the cost was $10,000 per minute. Your sign reads “25 cents a call.” Why is that?”
The pastor, with a smile, replied: “Son, y’all are in the South now, and it’s a LOCAL CALL.”
The young boy had just passed his driver’s test and he asked his father, “When do you think we could talk about me using the car?”
Father said, “I’ll make a deal with you son, you bring your grades up to a “B” average, study you’re Bible, and get your hair cut. Then we’ll talk about the car.”
The boy thought about it for a moment, and he agreed to his father’s proposal.
About 6 weeks later the father said, “Son, I see you’ve brought your grades up, and you’ve been studying the Bible, but I’m disappointed that you haven’t had your hair cut.”
“You know, Dad, I’ve been thinking about that and I’ve noticed in my Bible studies that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there’s even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.”
(You’re going to love dad’s reply!)
”Son, did you also notice that THEY walked everywhere they went?”
Then Jesus took His disciples up the mountain and gathering them around Himself, He taught them saying:
Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the Kingdom of Heaven.
Blessed are the meek.
Blessed are they that mourn,
Blessed are the merciful,
Blessed are they, who thirst for justice,
Blessed are you when persecuted,
Blessed are you when you suffer,
Be glad and rejoice for your reward is great in heaven.
Then Peter said . . . .
Do we have to write this down?
And Andrew said . . . .
Are we supposed to know this?
And James said . . . .
Will we have a test on this?
And Philip said . . . .
I don’t have any paper.
And Nathanael said . . . .
Do we have to turn this in?
And John said . . . .
The other disciples didn’t have to learn this.
And Matthew said . . . .
Can I go to the boy’s room?
And Judas said . . . .
What does this have to do with real life?
Then one of the Pharisees who were present asked to see Jesus’ lesson plan and inquired of Jesus.
Where is your anticipatory set and your objectives in the cognitive domain?
AND JESUS WEPT.
"Moses' Clothes Got Stolen" by a Palestinian: An ingenious example of speech and politics occurred recently at the U.N. and made the world community smile.
A representative from Israel began, “Before beginning my talk I want to tell you something about Moses. When he struck the rock and it brought forth water, he thought, what a good opportunity to have a bath! He removed his clothes, put them aside on the rock and entered the water. When he got out and wanted to dress, his clothes had vanished. A Palestinian had stolen them."
The Palestinian representative jumped up furiously and shouted, “What are you talking about? The Palestinians weren't there then."
The Israeli representative smiled and said, "And now that I have made that clear, I will begin my speech."
PECAN NUTS IN THE CEMETERY
There was a big old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence.
One day, two boys gathered a bucket full of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.
“One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me,” said the one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bike. As he passed by, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery, so he slowed down to check it out. Sure enough, he heard, “one for you, one for me, one for you, one for me . . .” Wow! He just knew what was happening. He jumped on his bike and took off. Just down the road he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.
“Hey, mister, come here quick! You won’t believe what I just heard in the cemetery! Satan and the Lord are in there dividing – up the souls!”
The old man said, “Beat it kid, can’t you see it’s hard for me to walk?” When the boy insisted though, the old man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.
Standing by the fence they heard, “One for you, one for me, one for you one for me.”
The old man whispered, “Boy, you’ve been tellin’ me the truth. Let’s see if we can see the Lord!”
Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet they were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence even tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.
At last they heard, “One for you, one for me, and that’s all. Now, let’s go get those nuts by the fence and we’ll be all done.”
They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the bike passed him.
The belief that there was once absolutely nothing.
And nothing happened to the nothing until the nothing magically exploded (for no reason whatsoever), creating everything and everywhere.
Then a bunch of the exploded everything magically rearranged itself (again – for no reason whatsoever) into self–replicating bits which then turned into dinosaurs.
And they mock our beliefs!!!